#18 - A Retreat Experience

I saw this post named “Lost Lover Retreat” & in the poster it said “What mind forgets, body remembers", also my birthday falls on one of these 3 days on the retreat. So, I didn't give it a second thought, I just booked. I started on Thursday night from Bengaluru to Coimbatore, got freshened up in the morning at around 7, had breakfast then boarded the bus to Anaikkatti at around 8:30. It’s a private bus & the conductor was young wearing a muffler, playing specific songs on his phone connected to the bus’s speaker system. The first song is “Ukkadathu pappadame” which is from the movie "Arul" and has many location names like Avinashi, Marudhamalai, Ukkadam, Peelamedu, Siruvaani, Pollachi. And while returning to the bus stand too,this song was played in other buses too. I don't know if this is coincidence or purposefully playing these songs, as these lyrics were advising girls not to love any guys. Then many songs were played like “Pombalainga kaathala than nambividatha”, and so on.. And, slowly the bus was going away from the city limits & hills started to appear. Many private properties & thoppus had electric fences. Then after some distance, even small shops had wires & electric fences. Then I saw a board “Elephants crossing path”. I realised I am actually entering into forest limits. Then the hilly route started, I saw “Salim Ornithology centre”. Finally reached Anaikatti which is on the border of Kerala. I walked past the check post & entered Kerala, there I could see a lot of Lottery ticket shops. From there I boarded another private bus, & in that bus both Tamil & Malayalam songs were played. I got down at kottathara, and from there I walked for some 20 minutes on a deserted road towards the "Sat Dharshan Ashram". I reached there at around 11. But the organisers haven't come yet. So, I was waiting there in the meditation hall reading a book “Ramanarin Valiyil” and then meditated for some time. Then I went around the place and it was so so good, surrounded full of trees & greenery. Like the icing of the cake, "Siruvaani river" flows at the back of the ashram. Then the organisers came at around 12:30PM. I met them & slowly people started coming in. The event was about to start at around 5. I easily became friendly with 3 members of the organising team, we spoke a lot & explored the place. 

Then, at around 05:30PM the event officially started under the trees with some ritual that is being practiced by indigenous communities by placing leaves, flowers, stones, tree sticks etc with agarpathi. Then Jijo & Christina(the organisers) danced so gracefully for the “Moongil Thottam” song. This dance set the mood of the whole event. They told at the end of the retreat you guys should dance like this. Then a few thoughts about Masculine Energy & Feminine energy were shared. It was like Masculine Energy is for logical decisions & Feminine Energy was for Emotions. Like Strength & Softness. I wasn't able to digest these ideas, but I controlled myself from asking questions. They didn't mean it in a patriarchal way, they told it from the way of love. So, I put out my logical brain for the 3 days. Then, they asked us to check our breath if its left then male energy is predominant at that time, if its right nostril breath then its female energy & we shouldn't take any logical decisions. Few warm ups & exercises were given mostly to shake our body. It was so soothing & relaxing. Then at 7PM we had a meditation session after that we had our dinner. And at around 9PM, we gathered back at the meditation hall, where we were asked to write about “What we need from our lover? and what we will give to our lover ?”. We all thought for a while and wrote it down in an A4 sheet, while writing sound from bowls & other instruments were played continuously. After that we went to sleep. End of Day 1.

Then in the next morning at 06:30AM meditation started and at 07:30AM, Strength exercises were taught & we did that under huge bamboo trees, where there were many red ants, few went inside my pants & bit me too. I had to run to my room & change my pants. Also, the exercises were really intense for me. Then we all went to the river and had a nice bath, the water was so cold. I had a really good time. At around 09:30AM we had our breakfast & returned around 11AM. Then we had a theory session on facing fear, then we had an activity where we were spread into pairs and one had to be a leader and the other had to be the follower. The follower is blindfolded. Activities like walking blindfolded & dancing blindfolded. Dancing was really fun, because the songs were “Dandanakka” & “Naakku mooka”, for me personally songs vibe makes me dance, & I really enjoyed dancing blindfolded, my pair would guide me & can have a safe/comfortable touch/hold, when I am about to fall or collide with other from the back & they also have to dance. Then my pair & other organisers told me I danced well. I asked if they took a video of it, then when I saw it I felt disgusting, like I was not at all good, I looked very tall, skinny with my hands going in the air not in coordination. I analysed this myself, when I was dancing I felt real joy & I enjoyed it but when I am seeing the same video of me from an outside perspective, I feel bad. I felt this is how I am seen to all. I confirmed to myself that I should work on accepting my body as it is and work on my sense of self image by building more self confidence.(It's really hard for me).

This happened for sometimes by switching pairs, switching the leaders & followers. Then this thing happened, same with blind folds, but this time the leader shouldn't touch the follower & give only instructions to walk them to some 100 meters in stony path, with tree branches, slopes & have to pick a thing from there & from there we have to switch roles & come back. I literally, blindly trusted my leader. I followed her instructions blindly, I took very small steps & walked very calculatively. I was feeling this is how a blind person would walk in their entire life. I also felt like “Ayushman Khurana” from “Andha Dhun” movie. Also, slight fear also came here & there while walking whether if I may fall down. Sometimes she confused between left & right then she corrected it, as she was standing on the opposite side the confusion is normal. Then I reached there and was literally happy that I didn't fall down. Now, it's my turn to guide her, I was really anxious because she guided me so well & made me comfortable all along the path, I am bad at giving instructions, so this extra responsibility has turned into fear for me. Now I started guiding her, to walk slowly, but she was taking longer steps & started to walk even before I gave instructions. I have to adapt to her rhythm & let her walk but be alert when she deviates from the path. It was a little easy for her too, as she has seen & guided me on the same path. Then we successfully reached the starting point. And on reflecting on our experiences to the group, I told I was very comfortable in receiving instructions than giving instructions & she told the vice versa. She also told me that my fear is passing on to her too while I was giving instructions. So, another lesson learnt, I shouldn't overthink & be calm. Then, we had our lunch & came back around 3PM.

This session is about letting go of things that are holding us back, to make room for new things. We had a few exercises, breathworks, etc. Then we had exercises on trusting ourselves and our partner & so on.Then at 7PM, for evening meditation, we meditated under the trees, it was about to get dark. And after half an hour, when I opened it was fully dark, filled with 100s of Minmini poochi(fireflies). My heart felt so light on witnessing it. This is the first time I am seeing so many at the same place, it was literally the best experience, so far, the entire property’s light was switched off. We then walked without turning on the flashlights by following the small round fluorescent light placed on the stone path. Then after dinner, at around 9PM, we went to the river bed where a circular stage was being constructed. And it was lit up with oil lamps like in Karthigai dheepam. And up above the Sky is the Moon, cool breeze, flowing water sound, this is raw nature at its peak. So, we all gathered there to have a story sharing session on magical things that happened in your life. Everyone were given 5 minutes to share. Many shared really magical yet thought provoking eye opening stories. Some of the stories are a Jungle safari experience, few pregnancy stories of women, a mother daughter bond, A bond between a girl & a tree, A Ukranian Granny’s grit to survive. Many got teary eyed too on hearing these stories. I thought about what I could say, l had my life story, but whether it is magical or not I don't know. But I felt my story would be dramatic & could be useful for someone I guess. So, at last I started saying, “It is a little longer story, So bear with me.” I don't know that day, in that atmosphere, I am telling my most saddest parts of my life, but in a comical funny way, people were following it so well, responding with instant laughter wherever I intended it. And had silence wherever it went so dark. I remembered “Director Ram” saying good story listeners will make the story more interesting. So, it is that audience that made the story more engaging I guess. And at the end they all clapped & I felt really happy about it. I really felt my stomach feeling light after that. I slept really peacefully that night.

Then, the next morning after Yoga at around 7AM. We had exercises for feminine energy. Christina took it so well. Then, after that we all went to the river to take a bath, then after breakfast at around 11AM. We had a session on saying no & yes in different variations. Session on touch & hugs. How to safely touch & comfort our partner. So, in this “Yes No” exercise, 2 partners have to stand at a distance in opposite directions. When the leader tells yes the follower has to step towards him & when the leader tells no, the follower has to stop. At last, we both should hug each other. My first pair was a man & this is the first time I am hugging someone & this felt really good. Like I started feeling Kamal’s “Kattipudi Vaidhyam” is literally true I felt. On reflecting on this exercise, it was easy to say yes & very hard for me to say no. Many felt the same too. Another lesson learnt is “To say no & set healthy boundaries”.

Then, there were several other similar exercises like holding partners hands and dancing according to the song. Then an activity to look into the eyes of the partner. This is the hardest, I couldn't look into the eyes of the people. I really tried hard. And at the end of these exercises we hugged each other & I was a little uncomfortable with hugging girls. My main problem was my overthinking on "what if they think bad about me, what if my hug was not comfortable for them" and so on. But still managed to hug them with care. Then, I saw a few people start to cry, hugging others for a few minutes. Then we had a whole group dance for “Life of Ram” song, the song’s vibe didnt match me as it was about loneliness, solitude, but here I have to dance with the group & be happy. This was contradicting & I felt concious. My overthinking side of the brain took over like, “ you are not comfortable in this safe space then how could you dance & mingle with people outside this place, You are not enough, You are coming back to square one where it all started, You are not at all progressing, You are not what your age people are doing, You are still a child”. This made me feel bad about myself & I went on to a sad mode but everyone was happy. I don't want to ruin their happiness by putting on a sad face. Then after lunch, the last session of the retreat was, taking back that letter we wrote on the first day & read it. Now, we have to read in the context that we are the lover & we wrote that letter to ourselves. And my god, when reading it I was like, I am about to give so much love to my partner but I haven't given that to myself all these days. Then, I decided I should be more kind to myself, accept me as I am, and I should not be hard on myself too. Then we all reflected on these exercises & many opened up bursted into tears. I could feel peace at everyone’s heart after they opened up their inner feelings that were being bothering them & they found clarity on dealing with these things. Then a river analogy was told by Jijo that “Love should be like a rain falling on an overflowing river”. We should be full to receive love. This was really an eye opening statement. Then we all took a group photo, said byes and left the place.

This retreat is really a much needed break for me. Though few things in this event were not scientifically proven, I took it as some form of physical & mental exercise to help me. That's it. Thanks to the entire members & organisers for organising this retreat. I had a lot of good conversations & met a few good people. Thank you everyone. Peace ☮️😇